A Faraway Place

I first knew her as a faraway place
With unthinkable violence
And pain
And strife
I was young
I didn't think of her again

Out of nowhere she reappeared
An unexpected tinge of joy
At the mention of her name
Friendly and loving
Beautiful and temperate
Seeking the things that we have
Calling for us to come to her

We went
She captured us
The flowers and rolling hills
The warm sun and the cool rains
Her outward beauty
Showing the true beauty within her people
And still she called to us
With her pleas for the knowledge of Truth
We were desperate to return

She stood as a mountain in the distance
We began our trek
We climbed
And crawled
And fell
And continued climbing
Then we found the cruel valley in-between
Mocking us and teasing us
It is so long and deep
And the mountain behind it so high
I turn away
I scold my thoughts for going to her
I avoid reading about her
I am asked about her and I change the subject
And still she lingers on the horizon

Oh, Rwanda!
Will we ever return to you?
Does the path in this valley lead to you?
Our love for you is a thorn
Will we ever see the rose?
We want to be led back to you
Yet you are so far away

Snowglobes and Mud and Conversations with Jesus

I'm just going to give you a heads up right now: this will not be the best-written post I've had. It will be scattered and maybe even confusing. You've been warned.

In fact, nothing that I am doing these days would really qualify as the best I've done. Emails aren't being returned in a timely manner, despite the fact that I actually have had time to do it. My prep time for our Bible study has been lacking. My patience with the boys is virtually non-existent. Even in regular conversation with people, I feel like I am perpetually missing normal conversational cues, and saying things that aren't always appropriate. I've found ways to carve out time to sit and work on the bajillion things that I am responsible for, yet I'm still behind.

Quite simply, my brain is fuzzy. I can't seem to concentrate properly on anything. I'll try to read something that I need to respond to and I find myself re-reading it over and over and over and over again. I attempt to play with Ayden, and I soon realize that I am zoning out and not engaging.

Have you ever walked through mud? Like knee-deep stuff, not just around your ankles? I loved doing that as a kid. It was pretty much the. coolest. thing. ever. But it was hard work. Your entire body must strain and pull and it's not uncommon to lose a shoe or two in the process. Moving even a foot or two forward is tedious and time-consuming, and you are often off-balance and never end up quite where you intended.

That's my brain. My brain on mud.

I'm straining and struggling to complete even the simplest of tasks and even then I don't quite do what I wanted to do.

Why is my brain so muddy right now? No, I am not pregnant again (although pregnancy does have a similar effect on my brain). I think the problem is that I am thinking too much. And none of the thinking is coming to any resolution, so my brain just keeps turning it around and around and evaluating things from every possible angle, hoping that maybe this time everything will suddenly make sense.

In addition to the sudden uncertainty about our future plans, we are now suddenly asking a triquillion (yes, I just made up that number) questions about the present. Luke's job was the perfect position for flexibility (which we would need as we prepared for Rwanda), but not a great position for settling in for a few years. Our apartment is small and crowded and was acceptable as a cheap way to live until we moved to Africa, but it's an entirely different prospect when we are looking at 2 or more years. Which, of course, demands that we think about schooling. I expected Ayden to start preschool and kindergarten in Rwanda, not here. Everyone knows that around here, you gotta plan WAY ahead to get your kid into a good school. Are we too late to start planning?

Everything that I thought I had planned out (or at least good expectations) for the next few years of our life has been turned upside down. Like a snow-globe whose pieces didn't get glued down properly. All the little buildings and trees are just bumbling around, knocking into each other, and never settling anywhere. And if I manage to get one house upright, another one falls sideways.

My poor little brain is desperately trying to make sense of it all and plan for everything, and figure out where to live, and work, and go to school, and a million other little things. And all of that extra running-in-circles thinking is rendering my brain useless to everyday things like, say, playing with my 2-yr old.

And I know the Truth. I know God's got it all under control. How appropriate is this little chunk of teaching from Jesus: 

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? 

 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. 

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

Seriously, did you read that? That's like He was just thinking of me sitting here, 2,000 years later. He knows where we should live and how to educate Ayden and even how He's going to bring us through some future bump in the road that I don't even know exists yet.

Jesus to Jaymi: It's cool, girl. I got it all worked out. Chill a little. It's not your job to worry about all of this, it's mine. Your job is to simply seek me and my kingdom. Period. I'll figure all this stuff out way better than you ever could. Now shoo! I've given you work to do and kids to raise and you're spending all your time trying to do My job and all you're doing is falling behind on the things you are supposed to do and not getting anywhere on the things you aren't supposed to do.*

Jaymi to Jesus: Ok, ok, I get it. You do Your thing, I'll do mine. But just make sure You don't forget that Luke doesn't li-

Jesus: STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT ALREADY! I've got it under control. Girl, you're going to stress Me out with all that worrying.**

And so my brain continues: round and round, and up-side-down, and listening-to-Jesus-but-not-really-listening, and sluggishly pushing through all the mud.
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* Yes, I just imagined Jesus shooing me away. That's probably not really a correct picture. You know, the whole, "come to me all of you who are weary and burdened" thing? Yeah, that's probably more accurate. 
**Again, I'm not claiming any accuracy in this depiction of Jesus

All the Children of the World

I'm supposed to be preparing right now for the Bible study that I will be leading in 2 days, but I just read this post by a friend of mine and now I find myself unable to think about anything but all of the children in the world. Ya know, the ones that Jesus loves according to the Sunday School song. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight.

Stories like this rattle me. I question God's compassion and justice. I question how naive and/or heartless we are in the US.

Maybe the publicity of that blog post will bring in enough sponsorship money that that little boy will be able to have a future with his birth mother. But maybe not. And that is certainly not the case for all of the other children around the world in similar situations who don't have the good fortune of a kind-hearted westerner looking on, ready to tell the blogosphere that there is a little boy in need of help.

What happens to these kids? How do we help?

It seems sponsorship is one of the best and most effective means of help (I know Compassion International is an excellent organization in this regard). But what about the kids who are HIV+ and will be neglected in their home culture? Or who have such severe medical needs that they need medical care that is too hard to get in a poor country? Or those who's parents have died and there is no one nearby to take on their care? What happens to those kids?

International adoption is becoming increasingly popular these days. But why are the majority of these adoptions for young, healthy kids? Why not an older child who has literally no one left to care for them? Why not one of the many children who have medical conditions that could be treated so much more easily in our wealthy country? (and what about all of the kids in the US foster care system who are waiting for adoption?)

The two blogs that I absolutely will not miss a post (we're talking shameless stalking/addiction here) are from families that have adopted internationally and are constantly thinking and evaluating these very questions of mine. Both of them have thought about it and researched it and lived it and written about it and they still don't have answers.

These needs in our world break my heart and I wish I had unlimited money and time to just do something about it. And the wisdom to know what to do with that unlimited time and money. And as I write that, I recall that God has all of that and will give it freely to those who seek Him and follow Him. Maybe I just need to ask Him for the wisdom and resources to follow His heart for all the children of the world.

I welcome any thoughts/discussion.

Following...

Sometimes in life, things happen that have such a far-reaching effect that it manages to shake every other area of life too. Sometimes that event seems small or insignificant in itself, despite its impact. Sometimes you aren't even sure what to make of the change or even how to describe it.

I'm in the midst of one of those times.

Whatever "certainty" that we felt we had about our future was taken away this week. Our application to the mission board has been put on hold for at least a year. The circumstances and reasons have shaken me, and the uncertainty of our life has left me feeling overwhelmingly aimless.

I came to my blog today to read some of my own recent words. I've found that I tend to be the best person to talk some sense into me, so re-reading old journals (or, in this case, blog entries) is quite therapeutic. The first thing I saw on the homepage of the blog was that there was a new post in my "Blogs I'm Reading" section from a blog that I just started following about George Muller. It was titled "Something Better." It was a very short post that included this quote: "Our heavenly Father never takes anything from his children unless he means to give them something better." - George Muller

God has something better for us. What an encouragement to read!

I dove into my archives and started reading. Sure enough, many of my own words were incredibly fitting to my needs, especially from this post about surrender.

I have so many hopes and dreams and ideas of what my life should look like. But God has even better ideas and dreams. He has a better future for me than I could ever imagine. I cannot have both. I must give up my own and grasp the mystery of His. 

And later, in the same post:

A wise teacher recently said: 

"Sometimes following God feels like death. You look at what He calls you to do and think, 'God, doing this will KILL me!!' But be assured, there is freedom and joy in following Him." 

Yes, death. Surrendering my dreams and hopes and identity and love feels like death. God may be calling me to things that look very different than what I have in mind for my life. To follow feels like more than I can bear. It's one thing to follow God when you think you know what the future holds (but who really does?!?!). It's a whole 'nother thing to follow blindly, surrendering to whatever He may bring, wherever He may lead. To picture what I want least and love least and choose that even that would be ok, if it was where God had lead me.  

And in that death and surrender is where I will find life. I must take up my cross, and the shame and torture that it brings, and follow Him. Yet His yolk is light, and I won't be burdened by it. It is easier to endure the death of surrender than to go my own way. What a joyful and true paradox that is! I have seen it to be true so many times in my life. May it be true again. 

I recently added a new "page" to the blog, titled, "Our Future." I started it in the following way:

Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.”
~James 4:13-15 (NLT) 

Obviously, we don't have any real idea about what the future holds for us. But this page is an explanation of what we are planning for, with the expectation that God can do with us whatever He wants, whenever He wants.

Isn't it amazing when God prepares us in advance for things, even when we don't even realize that He is doing it?

A little over three months ago, I wrote a post that I never published. Here it is, unedited from its original form.

03/18/11 

We're not going to Rwanda.

The phrase came into my mind as though it was audible. I didn't feel emotional about it or question it. It was as indisputable and unemotional as though I had been told that there was going to be a full moon tonight. I heard it and was certain of it and knew that the there was no question about it. 

Of course, I did question it. Well, what ARE we going to do then? No answer--except an inkling of a feeling like that question just really didn't matter. Like it was ultimately irrelevant. Should I say something to Luke? No answer. Except that it just didn't seem right to say anything. Well I have to say something eventually! If we aren't going, let's stop stressing about this application! No answer. Except, again, the feeling that it didn't matter. Like wondering where you are going to sit to eat, when in reality there is no food to eat--where you are going to sit is just not relevant. 

It is simultaneously unsettling, yet very calm. No matter how much I try to analyze it or question it or make sense of it--I just feel this calm certainty. I really want to go to Rwanda. We just got an update today and I am excited about it. Two other families are moving there in the coming months and I am burning with jealousy for them. But we're not going to Rwanda. It's as simple as that. 

I've felt this way on two other occasions. In both instances, I "heard" a simple sentence with long-reaching effects. Both times it was something that seemed less likely than its opposite. Both times it was completely true. Both times I couldn't fathom (in the moment) how or why it would be that way. Both times I felt this same calm certainty. Both times it came from nowhere--I wasn't thinking about it or anything, then BAM! I had a realization. Both times I just accepted it and told no one and waited to see how it would play out. 

So here I am. Waiting. I have a thousand questions running through my head: Why would God so clearly lead us down this path, just to stop us for no reason in the middle. What about all of the people that have supported us to go last May? What about the team there that is expecting us to join them? And most of all, if we don't go to Rwanda, what ARE we going to do? All of our plans have hinged on that goal. 

I feel unsettled and lost. But at the same time I don't. I am simply sure that this is what God has revealed to me. And when it so clearly comes from God, it is a lot easier to just sit back and watch Him work. It should be exciting. But this is so weird........

At the time that I wrote this, I was very confused by it. There was no indication that we should back away from our plans for Rwanda. Although it felt certain that God was speaking to me, I was careful to not rest all of my expectations upon it. However, in the past month or so, there have been a number of things (that I'm not going to go into here and now, but most of them completely out of our control) that have been piling up and pushing us away from our original expectations about going to Rwanda. I did eventually tell Luke, when the first of the tangible circumstances arose that caused hesitation for us. We continued to press on in the application process because we felt like God hadn't yet told us to do otherwise.

But in light of the decision made about us this past week, we're back to square one. God, what do you want with us? Where do you want us? And while we're in the questioning mode, Why did you lead us so clearly in this direction just to halt it later? We really don't know what the future holds. God may still lead us toward missions, maybe even in Rwanda or a nearby country. God may be calling us to stay here in the states and do something entirely different. Or He may have something in store for us that we couldn't even fathom on our own.

God was clearly leading us on the path we have taken so far in preparing for Rwanda. In addition, God seems to have also been leading my thoughts in the past few months. And now current circumstances demand that we reevaluate our original plans. I have no idea how to reconcile those seemingly contradictory facts except by analogy:

When we were in Denver last month, Luke's aunt pointed to some mountains in the distance. She explained that the peaks that were one shade of color were only an hour away, but the peaks (seemingly in the same place) of a different color were at least three hours away! As I was picturing that, I realized that there was a valley (or hills) at least 100 miles wide between them, but from our point of view, they were right next to each other!

I wonder if God's leading has been similar to that. Maybe there is something in His plan for us that rests in the valley between the peaks. Maybe the best way to lead us over the first set of mountains and into that place was to pinpoint the peaks of the second mountains and tell us to go there. Now we've walked and we've followed and He is ready to adjust our direction and lead us on to where He wants us. Maybe Rwanda was just the second set of mountaintops in the distance, used by God to bring us into the valley that couldn't be seen from where we started.

Meanwhile, the valley is dark and confusing. We simply don't know where we are going. And yet again my own words come back to me: Following Jesus One Step at a Time...

God, give us the patience to follow You wherever You are leading us. Show us the next step and give us the strength to follow. 

A Nutshell

SO MUCH has happened in the past few weeks. Some of it I need to process (and writing is a great way for me to do that) and some of it I just need to tell people about. So here I am. Oh, and this has been written gradually over the past week, so some of the references are a little off as far as when things have happened.

LUKE GRADUATED! 

It seems like an eternity ago, but I'm pretty sure it was just last week. After 2 years of studying and studying at Wheaton, he is finally DONE. Oh, I mean, well, he has one little paper left. And by "little" I mean, only 30-40 pages (that's writing, I don't even want to think about how much reading that involves!).

So we went through the ceremony, which was pretty exciting, but he still has a little more work to do. We're hoping that he'll be able to finish by the end of June, but who really knows? It's for an independent study, so there isn't a real deadline. And it is for credits that he doesn't need, so he'll graduate even if he fails, it'll just screw up his GPA (not that I expect him to fail, that is all just to say that there's really not a lot of pressure on this paper). But even with all of that, the end is near.

THE BOYS ARE GROWING UP. 

Judah is crawling, Ayden is tantruming, and they are finally playing together. Judah can finally shove some food into his own mouth (not much, but some anyway), which means that there is hope that he will someday be an independent child instead of a needy infant. Ayden has finally learned the concept of whispering, which has led to some success in having them share a bedroom again (Judah has been camped in the living room for months now). They chase each other and wrestle with each other and yell at each other and share food with each other and all kinds of brotherly interactions. 

MY SANITY IS RETURNING. 

I mean that quite literally. I was really losing it for awhile. The first 2 areas listed here are major contributors to this third one. There is routine and balance in my life, and for the first time in 3 years I find myself NOT pregnant, breastfeeding, postpartum, or some combination of those things. Yes, it was this time 3 years ago that we got pregnant with Ayden and my body has been some alien object ever since. I find myself asking Luke to do something around the house, then realizing "oh, I can actually do that myself for once." That is a great feeling. We can also credit an awesome counselor and the arrival of summer as major contributors to my mental health status. I simply love sunshine.

RWANDA PLANS ARE MUDDLED. 

This deserves an entire post of its own, but a blurb will have to do for the moment. We have been asked by the mission board that we are applying with to slow down the application process. Because we have been in SUCH a crazy period of life, they think it would be best for us to wait to go to Denver to complete the application process (probably until the fall, but the specifics haven't been decided yet). For one, they think it would be good for us to have a period of calm in our lives before we jump into fundraising and preparing to move. In addition, there were some things that they wanted to evaluate more carefully (like my mental health) that they didn't have adequate time to explore with the deadlines that we were initially aiming for. 

Despite my impatience, we feel really good about this. Their decision was obviously made with our best interests in mind, and that is very reassuring to see in the mission board that you are hoping to join! In addition, they handled it all very appropriately; they flew us to Denver for one day so we could talk about everything face-to-face.

There was a second reason that they wanted to fly us to Denver and talk. We're a little less certain about what to make of it. They are very excited to have us join their organization, but they want us to reconsider Rwanda. Yep, you read that right, and yep, we were pretty surprised about it, too. To clarify, they didn't say we couldn't go to Rwanda, just that they weren't certain if that was the best field for us to join and they want us to think and pray about that decision some more. 

Their reasons are based purely in concern for us and our ability to fit in well there and thrive. I'm not going to get into all of it here, but again, we found that their motives are genuine concern and care for us. Although I can see how they came to have these concerns, I'm not sure if the reasons are completely valid. So, right now we are opening up to the possibility that God may be calling us somewhere else, while hoping that He is still calling us to Rwanda. If Rwanda isn't where He wants us, then He has something else that is even better than Rwanda. 

VACATION!! 

Luke's parent's have offered to take the boys for a week so we can have a little bit of a break, so I am taking them down there today! Meanwhile, we will spend the first part of the week ignoring all demands from work, church, school, or anything else. Then the later part of the week, we will take advantage of some time to get things done without constant interruption. THEN, as if that isn't great enough, we are going down to join the boys and their grandparents for a few days over the weekend. So the next few weeks look to be a nice break from the normal routine. I am REALLY looking forward to it!!

I think that will have to do for now. God is good. God is leading. We feel really good about life right now, despite the recent uncertainty about our longer-term future. 

Surrender

I haven't heard or sung this song in years, probably since high school. But it is pressing deeply on my heart tonight:


Holy Father 
As we stand before Your throne 
As we look upon Your face
We confess Your matchless grace
Lord and Savior
We are nothing without You
There is nothing we can do  
But to serve and follow You
And surrender, And surrender
To surrender, All our dreams 
All we are
All that we are to become 
All of our love 
(Words & Music by Bruce Chollar & Larry James Copyright © 1986 Larry James)

Holy Father, as I stand before Your throne, as I look upon Your face, I confess Your matchless grace.

God's grace is so strong! It has redeemed me from the depths of despair. It has redeemed me from myself. Looking at God brings to light how small I am compared to Him. And yet, though I don't deserve it, He has given me so much!

Lord and Savior, I am nothing without You, there is nothing I can do, but to serve and follow You.

When I try to do things on my own, I am so weak. This isn't to say that I am not a capable person, but whatever I might do in my own strength pales in comparison to what He does. Why do I even try to go my own way? There truly is no other choice but to follow Him. Life is simply empty and irrelevant without His hand in it. 

And surrender all my dreams 

I have so many hopes and dreams and ideas of what my life should look like. But God has even better ideas and dreams. He has a better future for me than I could ever imagine. I cannot have both. I must give up my own and grasp the mystery of His. 

And surrender all I am and all that I am to become 

I have so many identities that I hold onto and that I want for myself. Mother. Wife. Missionary. Friend. Leader. The list is nearly endless. God knows who He wants me to be right now and who He wants to mold me into. It is only in giving in to His desire for me that I will truly be ME.

To surrender all of my love 

What do I love? My family, my security, my church, my friends. God must be at the top of that list, for it is only in my love for Him that I can truly love others.

A wise teacher recently said:
Sometimes following God feels like death. You look at what He calls you to do and think, "God, doing this will KILL me!!" But be assured, there is freedom and joy in following Him.

Yes, death. Surrendering my dreams and hopes and identity and love feels like death. God may be calling me to things that look very different than what I have in mind for my life. To follow feels like more than I can bear. It's one thing to follow God when you think you know what the future holds (but who really does?!?!). It's a whole 'nother thing to follow blindly, surrendering to whatever He may bring, wherever He may lead. To picture what I want least and love least and choose that even that would be ok, if it was where God had lead me.

And in that death and surrender is where I will find life. I must take up my cross, and the shame and torture that it brings, and follow Him. Yet His yolk is light, and I won't be burdened by it. It is easier to endure the death of surrender than to go my own way. What a joyful and true paradox that is! I have seen it to be true so many times in my life. May it be true again.

God Is Good

Luke just sent this to me in an email, and wants you to know that he didn't write it to be a fancy pants blogger--it was just supposed to be an email to me. In all seriousness, it's really good and true.  

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God is being good to us right now.  He's using us, he's giving us some peace, we have two fun kids, we love each other.

I'm writing mostly because sometimes I feel like I'm responsible for it.  Like I've worked really hard or been particularly clever to bring it about.  I know that's not true even when I feel like it is.  

He's been so gracious to us.  

I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall

I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me

but this I call to mind and therefore I have hope

because of the Lord's unfailing love we are not consumed

for his mercies never cease

they are new every morning

Great is your faithfulness!

I have said to myself, "the Lord is my portion"

Therefore I will wait for Him.  

(Lam. 3:19-24)

Thoughts from Today

I can't think any more clearly than bullet points, but feel the need to process....

• I have a headache. I've had it all day. That doesn't really relate to anything else that I'm about to say. 
• Luke has a HUGE test tomorrow. It's 6 hours of essays. On theology. It determines if he graduates or not. Stress levels are pretty high in our house right now!
• Because of said test, I've been on my own a lot more this week. Not only have I had less help from Luke with the kids, but all of our talking has been focussed on him, not me. 
• I have such great people in my life right now. My kids have been cared for, my house has been cleaned, and I've been able to have some really good conversations this week. I feel like God's hand is so strongly working in my life, and it is evident by the countless people who have stepped up to help me out when I've asked. 
• I'm thinking a lot lately about discipline and raising children who know God, not just follow morality. I'd love to have the time to read about it, blog about it, talk to people about it, etc. Coming Soon
• Today has been rough. I really struggled to make it to the end. The circumstances were ripe for a bad day. A few weeks or months ago, I probably would have crumbled. Today I survived. I was able to assess what I needed to make it through, then make sure I had that. This bullet point is really good.
• Tomorrow begs to be rougher. I'm taking the night/morning shift with the boys (usually Luke's job) so he can get some good rest before his test. Then I have the whole day with the kids. And this is after a rough day. I'm prepared to call in more favors if I need them. <-----That is the key right now.
• God is good. He has provided so much. He has been faithful, even when I have not. His redemption is beautiful and powerful. I could write every day about it and still not capture it all. Maybe I'll try anyway. Coming Soon
• My head still hurts, I'm tired, tomorrow will be long, and I think the boys are finally sleeping. I think I'll join them. 
• I'm not taking the time to proofread this before posting. I'd say "sorry" but I really mean "get over it." And I mean that in the nicest possible way. :~D (I just lied--I looked at the "preview." The formatting is screwed up and some of my sentences are unclear. I'm not fixing them.)

The City

I step onto the train and find a seat
There are two other people in the car
Both men
One at each end
I make note of the nearest exit

A man starts to sing loudly
I can't understand the words
But his voice is strong and clear
I'm irritated and wish he would stop
I notice a Rosary in his hands
I realize that I was annoyed at his prayers

Trash-filled lots fly by below us
Glittering in the sunlight
How many broken bottles does it take
To make it sparkle so brilliantly?
I notice concrete under the grass and weeds
What used to be there?

A man catches my eye
His look is a little too friendly
I look away
I ignore his attempts to recapture my attention
I await my destination

The streets are bustling
Every person has their own purpose
Every face it's own story
I remember:
"If we saw people the way Jesus does,
we would all fall on our faces to worship God for His masterpieces"
The masterpieces move on
I never worshiped

The Red Cross is seeking donations
I ask for a website
Someone wants to pay me $10 to take a survey
I walk past
"Streetwise! Streetwise!"
I turn around and the woman has already moved on
She assumed I didn't care
She holds my coke as I dig into my purse
I barely have the $2 to buy her newspaper
I wonder if the exchange gave her dignity

The platform for my train home is crowded
People with suitcases look lost as they try to find O'Hare
I gawk at a girl
Her stone-washed jeans and neon-striped high tops are startling
I've read all of the ads already
The train is taking forever to arrive

I settle into my seat
I unwrap my lunch
A recording reminds me that eating is prohibited
The train roars as we emerge from the tunnel

A young girl cautiously enters the train
Under her arm is a cap and gown
Graduation is awaiting her
Will she stay?
Did she fall in love with our city too?
Or did she just endure it until she could leave?

Some people are reading or listening to music
Some are sleeping
Others stare out the windows
Their faces show the weariness of life
One man looks as if he is dreading his destination
"Doors open on the left at Western"

The cars on the freeway are passing our train

We go through a tunnel
On the other side of it is the end of the city
It bids us farewell with a tent
Ripped and strung between a fence and a tree
The man who lives there is panhandling on the street below
I shiver at how cold his nights must be

Did you read that?
It bears repeating
There is a man who lives in a ripped tent
In Chicago
In March
And January
And July
And all of the other months

The city I love
Magnifies my hypocrisy
Amuses me
Arouses my curiosity
Captures my adoration
Breaks my heart

The Shame and Humiliation

Last week, after increasingly improving more and more every day, I had a bad day. A really bad day. Luke and I had a fight before he left for work, and we were both too immature to just resolve it before he left. Then Judah decided it was a good day for his 6-month growth spurt, but of course it took a long morning of much screaming on his part before I figured that out. On the heals of such recent improvement, that bad day felt like an even deeper failure. 


By midmorning, I found myself looking for ways to get rid of my children. Not just for the day, but for someone else to raise them. I was convinced that I was never going to get better and therefore I was a terrible mother and the best thing I could do for my boys was to just give them to someone else to adopt and take in as their own.* 


I desperately needed help that day. I didn't ask for it. I was ashamed. At such an intensely weak point, I was too proud to tell the people around me that I needed some support. I wanted to keep up appearances that things were fine. I'm strong and capable. I don't need help. 


In the midst of it, I fessed up to an anonymous online community of moms--there's no shame if it is anonymous. The response was immediate. Countless women offered to come over and help if I lived near them. Complete strangers from all over the country were offering help, some even offering to drive up to 2-3 hours! Many others told stories of their own (past) despair, and how much they regretted that they didn't seek out help sooner. 


Then an email I received a few weeks ago from a college friend came back to me:

I just wanted to remind you of the ways that you let people come into your life and help you when you were in college.  I remember coming to get you at your apartment . . . The point is, please let people do that again for you.  Whatever that looks like now, whoever that is in your life now.  I love you, but I know there are a lot of other people who love you too.

By the end of the day it was clear: I needed to ask for help.**


So I did. Yep, I fessed up to my inability to manage even the littlest tasks and I asked for help. It feels so wrong to ask someone if they might be willing to come and clean your bathroom for you. It feels even worse to watch them do it. To stand there and know that you are physically capable of doing that task, you even have the time to do it, but the mental exercises necessary to accomplish it are outside your reach. 

Last night Luke needed to study late into the night so I had a friend come over to help with the boys. By the time she got here, I was completely stressed from the afternoon, and more than ready to have help. She spent the next few hours feeding and bathing my kids, while I helplessly stood nearby answering her questions about what they needed. 


After the boys were in bed, I flopped onto the couch, exhausted from the efforts of the day. She proceeded to pick up toys, put away clutter, and clean up the kitchen. I again found myself immobile while someone else did my job. 


It's humiliating to repeatedly reach the end of your patience for your children. It's humbling to allow someone to take them aside and play with them for awhile so you can have a break. It's humiliating to have a babysitter in your house when it is trashed from a week's worth of living but no cleaning. It's humbling to come home and find that everything has been cleaned for you. It's humiliating to show your weaknesses. It's humbling to allow others to lovingly help you when you need it. Humiliation is an acceptance of the shame that comes with people having a lower opinion of you because of your imperfections. Humility is an acceptance of the love of others as they reach out to help you. 


Last week, I felt ashamed and humiliated at the thought of allowing the people that I know to see me so weak and incapable. But when people respond with love and support, it isn't humiliating or shameful. It's actually quite beautiful and amazing. 

*Thankfully, I had a counselling appointment scheduled for the next day, and was able to work through the of the effects of that day and get on the right track again. I have no intention of giving up my kids. :~D 
**This post is NOT a plea for help. If it was, that would be passive and manipulative. I've asked people who are nearby and have the time and resources and who I have a secure enough relationship with that I'm not worried about them hating me forever judging me. It's one thing to tell everyone you know that your house is a mess, it's a completely different thing to ask someone to try to scrub that mess away. 

PPD* Posts

A few things that are on my mind that I would love to write about soon:

1. Asking for and accepting help. Why do we shy away from it? Why is it so hard? I've been asking for a lot of help lately, and am amazed at how difficult it is both to ask for it, and to receive the help graciously. 
2. The "shame" of talking about PPD. I just read an article by a woman who's son just turned one. She's been struggling with PPD the entire time. She said that publishing this article would be the first that her family and closest friends even knew that she had been struggling. WHY? Why is it so wrong to talk about it, especially while it is going on?
3. An update on me--a lot of people have been asking how I am doing--thanks! The summary is that it is still up and down, but I am in counselling that is going really well and I have gotten help from a number of awesome people. But I'd love to write a more detailed assessment of my life right now.

These few sentences don't do justice to all of the thoughts swirling through my mind as I work through all of this. Not only am I working to get out of this and figure myself out, but I am so aware of how HIDDEN this struggle is expected to be. I am determined to not hide. I want to talk openly about this, and I don't want to wait until after it is over. I'd love to set a precedent, if only for a few people, that it is GOOD to talk about things like this and accept the support of the community around you. Facing it alone only makes it worse.

Stay tuned for three long posts on the topics above. Sometime. Meanwhile, any readers out there want to chime in on any of this?

*PPD stands for Postpartum-Depression, which is the fancy term for the depression that plagues many women after the birth of a child. That said, I think these topics are applicable to ALL forms of depression. 

The Fog is Lifting

Life was a haze
I was there, watching my children play and cry and eat
But I wasn't really there
I changed the diapers and sang the songs
But I was buried
I would hear their cries
I could feel a tinge of compassion
But I didn't move
I'd offer a heartless word to try to appease one
And a toy or a blanket to appease the other
I knew they needed more
I couldn't do it
I watched myself ignore the things swirling around me
My husband needed a partner
I couldn't do it
My sons needed a Mama
I couldn't do it

Then slowly
Very slowly
Too slowly to see in the moment
The fog began to lift
I responded to a cry
I smiled as I sang
I tickled and giggled and played

Now I find that my cheeks hurt from the laughter

My legs and arms ache from the endless activity

My mind is clearing

My heart is open
Life is returning
I am returning

Bravery

This morning I took Ayden to McDonald's to play in the play area. He was by far the youngest child there, but the big kids were all being kind and respectful towards him (not always the case!!). At one point, he was sitting on my lap when a shriek of joy emerged from the tunnels and slides. Ayden's eyes widened and he said, "Tiger!" I had to hold back laughter as I corrected him, "No, it's not a tiger; the kids are just having fun."

Not long after that, I heard a similar joyful scream, immediately followed by Ayden's fearful cry. This time, he wasn't sitting safely on Mama's lap, but instead was encased in the echo-filled tubes where the screams originated. I climbed in and brought him safely out--my knees are thankful he was only just inside the entrance! I explained again that the kids were just having fun; he explained again that there was a tiger in there.

Soon the draw of the slide was too much for him and he wanted to go play again. I told him that if he got scared again, he could come down the slide and Mama would hug him. I fully expected to climb up there again, and just hoped that he wasn't too far in. He eventually emerged, and immediately ran to me, "Ayden scared!" But he didn't cry, he bravely came down on his own. After a reassuring hug, he was off again to face the scary scream-filled slide.

That is bravery at it's best. Despite his fear, he was brave enough to go in there alone.

The rest of the morning continued in a similar way. He rarely emerged without needing a reassuring hug, but always returned to face the tiger-like screams. My little Ayden, your Mama is quite proud of you right now!

Depression

If you've read most of my January posts, you may not know that I've been quite overwhelmed since Judah was born. The first 2-3 months it was just that: overwhelmed. However, when I wrote this post in early January, I thought I had hit bottom and was on my way up again. Boy was I wrong.

Over the course of the next week or so, I continued posting fun little stories about the kids and tried to keep my head up. I even had a lighthearted post that, in reality, demonstrated a very typical hour of my overwhelming life. It is likely that I spent the rest of that day depressed, not moving from the couch and doing the bare minimum to take care of the boys.

The next day was not a good one. I frequent a popular online moms' forum that is known for being quite blunt, without regard to people's feelings. I posted on there that I was a terrible mother. I had put Judah to bed, and after he was in there crying for 45 minutes, I tried a bottle. He drank the whole thing! I had left my little baby to scream in his crib for 45 minutes when he was hungry! Meanwhile, Ayden had spent the morning in front of the TV and by the time I put him down for his nap (about 1:00) all I had offered him to eat all day was Graham Crackers and juice. I couldn't remember their last bath. I was beating myself up for all of this and more, and I expected this brutal group of women to join in and let me have it.

The opposite happened. Not a single person criticized me. Of the 20-30 responses I got, all of them agreed that I was seriously depressed and needed help. I argued with them that I was just a crappy mom who was failing her kids and they argued back that I needed to get some help for depression. If they aren't willing to criticize me for all of this, maybe this is something that I shouldn't be criticizing myself for, either.

The experience of posting that online caused a shift in my thinking. I tried to get help. I talked with my midwife about it being postpartum depression. I tried to find a counselor. For an entire month, every attempt to get help failed. If it wasn't an insurance issue, it was a scheduling issue. If not that, something else. I tried and tried and tried and tried to get some help to fight this. Nothing was working out.

Meanwhile, I sunk lower. Soon I was calling Luke home from work early, or spending all day on a Saturday just laying in bed (and yelling at Luke if he tried to cheer me up or help me). I gave up even trying to give Ayden anything more than Graham Crackers each day. My desire to spend time with people was completely gone. Every time that I made a failed effort to get help, I became more deflated. It just wasn't even worth trying.

Two weeks ago, I finally got in to see a counselor. She's great. I've seen her twice and in that time, I've had a few good days. And by that I mean that I am doing "better" but "better" means more often than not I am still in pretty bad shape. Wednesday was a really good day. Then yesterday Luke left the house in a bad mood (Judah had gotten him up super-early, among other things) and I never recovered from the discouragement of it. By the time Luke came home last night, I had been laying on the couch for an hour--not reading or sleeping, just laying there. Judah fell asleep on the floor next to me and Ayden was roaming the house playing. Then today was a good day again.

I expect the road to be rough for awhile longer, but I finally have hope that things aren't always going to be this way. I'm not sure what triggered all of this (PPD? SAD? Stress?), but it doesn't have to rule me. There is a way out of this.

There is a reason that I am writing all of this, and it's not to get sympathy or beg for help. People often caution that you shouldn't air all of your dirty laundry on the internet for all the world to see. There is certainly truth to that. But this section from 2 Corinthians chapter 1 has been on my mind throughout all of this:

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 6 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. 7 Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

This "suffering" of mine is not directly related to my faith in Christ, but I still think the principle in this passage holds true: God's comfort to us can often be used as a comfort to others.

That is why I am sharing all of this. Depression is a struggle that plagues so many of us, yet is not acceptable to talk about. And that silence just worsens the issue. So I'm talking about it--not after the fact when I have it all figured out, but right now in the middle of it. This is my life. This is where I am struggling. And if you are reading this and struggling too, don't be ashamed. Get help. Even if you have to fight over and over and over and over again for a month to find it.

And if you do want to help me, please pray for me to trust God in everything and follow Him step by step. I've seen time and time again in my life that ultimately, no matter how much I fight to get through anything, it is only by God's grace that I will be fully restored.

Life is Changing

About a year ago, I started this blog with the following description:

"We're thinking that God might want us to go to another country to teach others about the Bible. What does that mean? Is that really what He wants for us? If not that, what? What does that process look like? I suppose we will find out soon enough....."

That's not entirely relevant anymore, since we are now much further in the process than we were then. At this point, it looks fairly certain that God is calling us to go to Rwanda to teach in a pastoral training program. We still have a million questions and uncertainties about it, but we both feel an inexplicable peace about going.

Meanwhile.......Although I'd love to spend day after day thinking and daydreaming and preparing for our future in Rwanda, LIFE (or, more acurately, children ) has me planted firmly in the present. There are diapers to change, sleep schedules to figure out and toys to be fixed. And somewhere in there I'm supposed to feed these guys, too!

So I've recently changed the description to a simple,

"Following Jesus one step at a time."

In parenting, marriage, ministry--everything--we are called to simply follow Jesus. Step by step and day by day. We fail at that (frequently!), but God's grace is good and He continues to guide us and strengthen us and teach us. Life is just as crazy today as it was last week, but there is one major difference: I know God has us right here for a purpose. And I know that He will give us what we need to do the things that He has given us to do for today. Even if the day starts at 4am (as it did yesterday) or doesn't end until after midnight.

As our life changes over and over again in the coming months and years, we hope to simply continue following Jesus every step of the way.

-------------------------

In other news, we expect to receive the application for our mission board soon. Although I'm not sure where we are going to find the time to complete it all, we are excited that this next step is approaching! If you're the praying type, we'd love for you to pray with us that this next step would be smooth and that we would have the time and focus to work through all of the steps of the application process. Thanks!!

Recipe for a Mama-Meltdown

Ingredients:
1 exhausting pregnancy
1 active toddler
1 very busy husband
1 mama who is still trying to have a life outside of raising children
1 emotional infant
Temper Tantrums (as many as you can find)

Mix the pregnancy, husband, toddler and mama for 9 months and let it simmer on medium heat. Once sufficiently stressed, remove the pregnancy and add the infant and temper tantrums. Turn up the heat to high. Meltdown should be ready in about 3 months.

Needless to say, it's been a challenge adjusting to two kids. Judah is not nearly as laid back as Ayden, which means he doesn't "tag along" to meetings or errands very well. Meanwhile, my easy-going toddler is about to turn two. Yep, those terrible two's are raging in his sweet little life. We're talking epic meltdowns because I offer him milk instead of juice with his snack. Or begging to have his diaper changed (which he usually hates) just because his brother is getting a diaper change and we're using HIS changing table.

I've felt like I was at the end of my rope for quite some time now, but foolishly kept saying, "It will all be better when ______." Then I finished that sentence with things like, "Luke finishes this semester," or "Judah is napping on a schedule." At some point in the past few weeks I stopped believing myself. The end of the semester came and went and we were still stressed. The kids have been sick. No one in our family has been sleeping enough.

So I reached the end of the rope and was surprised to find how frayed it was. No one ever tells you that the end of the rope is so frayed, although I guess it makes sense. Bills haven't been paid, commitments at church have been neglected, family and friends have been ignored, our home hasn't been cleaned. We eat out more than we should, and too many of those times are at McDonald's. Luke and I don't talk enough and therefore argue about everything. I keep forgetting to give the boys baths or brush Ayden's teeth. My nightstand is so dusty that every time I climb into bed, I start the night with a coughing and/or sneezing fit. Ayden watches more TV than I can keep track of. EVERYTHING is spiralling out of control.

So I gave up a few days ago. I just stopped trying. I curled up on the couch and aimlessly surfed the internet while Luke was left to get the boys their dinner and put them to bed. The alternative was so much stress that I could barely speak. Maybe that's what a panic attack is--I don't know, but it was something bad and completely out of my control. We suffered through a day or two of that. At times I would help for awhile, but if there was too much immediate stress, I would just crumble again. How do you keep going when you don't have some glimmer of hope that things will be different soon?

But there IS hope. For one, the immediate circumstances WILL improve, even if it is not on the timeline that I first imagined. Judah will eventually sleep and Ayden will emerge from the terrible two's as the sweet little boy that is buried under all of this angst. Luke will be done with school. The weather will warm up and I'll be able to go for walks, or maybe even the occasional run.

But that's not what is really giving me hope. We were talking in our Bible Study last night about Hebrews 12. It talks about running the race with endurance and God disciplining us as children. From the discussion of this text, I was reminded that God's "discipline" is Him teaching us things that we will need later. Maybe God is letting everything pile up at once so we can learn to trust him. Maybe God has something amazing planned for our future that is going to be so much harder than this and we NEED this time to learn how to handle it. I don't know the future, and I certainly couldn't guess correctly at how this time in our life fits into God's overall plan. But the reality is that God does have a plan for our lives, and for some reason it includes this crazy period. Meanwhile, I'm spending too much time looking at the million responsibilities swirling around me and not enough time looking at Jesus.

So maybe I should spend more time paying attention to the songs that I sing to Ayden before bed:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His Glory and Grace

Beautiful Twists and Tugs of the Heart

At this time next week, we will be boarding a plane to Rwanda. Ok, not directly to Rwanda, but we'll start the first leg of our 24-hour journey---we gotta make it through Europe and that crazy ash cloud first. Then we'll be in Rwanda.

Africa. Although both of us have taken a number of overseas trips, neither of us has been to Africa. From the pictures, it looks similar to the trip I have taken to the south Pacific. So I suppose I am just expecting that, but really, I just don't know what to expect.

It feels a bit weird. (and overwhelming--we've got so much to do in the next 7 days!! but that is a different story....) Back to weird. We're going to an unknown place, meeting up with people we don't know, and hoping that by the end of it, we'll want to go back. Like really go back. Like move our kids across the ocean, learn a new language, and settle there. The number of simultaneous emotions that go through me as I think about that are too many to list. Excited. Scared. Uncertain. Hopeful. Joyful. I want to go. I want the adventure, the experience, the opportunity to do something that is really making a difference. I am terrified to go. There are so many "what if's," especially when I think about raising our kids there. Yeah, so many of those.

This past few weeks, I've become very aware of all of the subtle expectations that I have had about raising a family. I always assumed that about the same time that we got to kid #3, our car would probably be on it's last leg and we would get a minivan. Maybe keep our current car around as an unreliable second car. But if we move to Rwanda in the next year or two, it's pretty likely that kid #3 will be born there, we aren't bringing our car along, and I doubt a minivan will be our car of choice. (Do they even have minivans in Africa?!?!) This is obviously not a huge deal and it's a "dream" that I can easily let go of. It probably wouldn't have happened that way anyway if we stayed here, but that's just what I subconsciously expected. Not a big deal on it's own, but when you start to think about ALL of those little expectations that you didn't even realize you had.......well, it makes you realize that you really are giving up life as you know it.

But there is more than all of that--more than the fears or the lost expectations or even the selfish desire for adventure. We started this process with a "simple" question for God: "what's next?" We expected something like L continuing his education, or looking for a teaching job, or pursuing a position in a church. Working with the church overseas was possible, but it wasn't really at the top of our list. But God has been drawing our hearts, step by step, to this exact place. If I hadn't had a one-year-old crawling all over me, I would have captured the progression here and all would see how beautiful it is. Not to bash the little guy, but there have been so many posts in my mind that never made it on here because the little dude wants to type every time I do. But back to the beauty. How do you explain the little twists and tugs at our hearts that have slowly brought us here? How do I capture that now? There is such a peace and confidence that comes from knowing that what you are doing is simply not your idea, but God's. And if God has planned it, He will provide for every part of it! He will keep our new little boy safe in my belly as we travel. He will protect our little man (and us!!) from heartache as we leave him behind for 2 weeks. Or maybe He won't take away the heartache, but He will sustain and comfort us and him. Maybe He won't keep us all healthy as we travel, but He will provide whatever we need to endure whatever comes our way. When you are walking on your own path, you can't be sure of that. But when you are following God's path, although there is uncertainty, there is also peace.

Matthew 6:25-33 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

One week from now isn't really that different than right now. In both cases we are just walking through life, trusting God to provide, and pressing on to serve Him in whatever way He wants. The only difference I can see is that while we are here, we have a false sense of self-sufficiency, but when we board that plane, we know we have to trust Him.

Philippians 4

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

I am thankful for:

• A healthly little family
• A great local church
• Good friends
• God's grace and redemption
• God's leading in our lives and work in our hearts
• Food, clothes, a home---everything we need
• My wonderful husband
• Did I mention God's grace? It is so good in so many ways.

God, life is overwelming and scary and uncertain right now. Lead us where you want us. Give us what we need to follow you, and grant us peace in this process.

God is good.

uhhhhh......

So I'm a bit overwhelmed right now. That's kinda an understatement. Ok, so was that. Yeah, I'm not too sure what to think of our life right now. I'm pretty sure we're teetering on the edge of complete insanity. At least, it certainly feels like a roller coaster right now. I feel certain that God is leading us, but wow. He's got some crazy ideas. Ok, so let me explain myself.


We've been thinking for awhile that we need to take a trip to Rwanda for a few weeks to see the ministry firsthand (learn about what they are doing, learn more about the culture and people and what life there is really like, get to know the other people working with that ministry, etc). At one point we were thinking that might happen this summer, but then we found out that I was pregnant and due in September and we figured international travel (to Africa!) at the end of a pregnancy is probably not possible or advisable. So we put the idea of a visit out of our minds---we'll plan it for sometime after the baby arrives.

Then we were advised last week not to give up on the idea of this summer so quickly. Huh? Isn't it too late to plan a trip to Africa this summer? Especially since my pregnancy will dictate that it will have to be early summer? We decided that we should consider it, but figured in the end we would see too many problems with it and not go until later. But every step of the way, it is looking more and more likely that we will be going soon. All of the people and logistics that we thought would point us away from going so soon did the opposite. The family working there right now aren't opposed to it. Our pastor and his wife aren't opposed to it. As we tentatively explore this, everything seems to be falling into place. In fact, the people we have talked to about it have all been excited and encouraged us to do it.

See why I feel like I'm on some insane roller coaster? We were supposed to be looking into this so that we could confirm that we shouldn't go so soon.

Not that I don't want to go. I want to go tomorrow, but I don't want it to be until next year so that I have enough time to plan for it. I would love it if we could be there right now--I'm so excited to see it all and learn about it all and everything else that goes with visiting a country and a ministry that you are hoping to someday be a part of. But at the same time I'm not sure how to make it happen. There's money to raise, schedules to figure out, health to consider, visas, plane tickets, ahhhhhhh!! I can't possibly do all of that in 2 months (or less!!).

And really, there's something else making me frazzled. It's one thing to talk to lots of people about someday picking up and moving to Rwanda. It's a completely different thing to plan a trip there and visit there. It's real. We're really thinking about doing this. This is a big step that isn't just a fun thing to talk about. Is this really what we want to do?!? Actually, is this really what God wants us to do? I keep moving forward, waiting for Him to shut the door and make it clear we should go in another direction. Instead, things just seem to be falling into place. So we just keep following, right? But now following is leading to a pretty big step. Do I have the faith to follow?

------------------------------------------

At this point in writing, I got interrupted by Luke messaging me (he's at school right now). He's feeling overwhelmed by all of this too, for many of the same reasons. We talked for about an hour about the need to trust God in this. He seems to be leading us, and as long as we are willing to follow, He won't lead us astray. We both felt a little better, and Luke went for a walk to clear his mind. He came back a little later and had ran into a prof and while talking to her, it became clear that he could do a thesis instead of an exam, which he would much prefer, but we didn't think was even an option. So now we have one more thing to think through for the future. Then as we finished that conversation, I got a call about a part-time job for the summer (that I would LOVE). Great, but there's another thing to think about. This morning we also discovered that it might be a possibility to finish our missions app this Nov, instead of having to wait until June 2011, which is a huge, but again--another thing to figure out.

Those are all really good things, but seriously.......I'm not sure how much more thinking about life I can handle right now. I'm going to go play with Ayden for awhile. I'm pretty sure he's too young to throw anything deep or overwhelming at me. More later.....

Our "theme verse" (nothing official, just one we keep coming back to) this past year from Matthew 6 seems once again appropriate:

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Amen. Lord, lead us.

Excited

I just got an e-mail from one of the current missionaries in Rwanda. He was answering some of our questions about life and ministry in Rwanda. I'm excited. Really excited. I think I had an exclamation point at the end of every sentence in my reply to him.
So much of what they are doing is such a good fit for Luke and I. They have a training school for pastors. The pastors come to them for 3 weeks at a time, 4 times a year. They have 3 groups going at a time, so 36 weeks of the year has pastors there learning things like the basics of salvation, Bible study methods, etc. That is exactly the kind of setting that Luke would thrive in. He loves to teach, especially such worthwhile topics to such a worthwhile class.

But that's not what really excited me. One of the things they are doing is a children's ministry. That could mean any number of things, and I wasn't really sure what exactly they were doing with children. Here is the description I got, "Our children’s ministry is a ministry to the teachers of children. It is intended to help strengthen and train the teachers of children within churches. It primarily focuses on helping churches develop solid ministries to disciple kids." I have always said that although I love children, I much prefer working with people who are working with children. And that's exactly what they are doing!!!!!!!! AND, as if that's not exciting enough, that's what I've been doing for the past 2 1/2 years at our church. So I'm already getting great training and preparation for it! I don't yet know anything about what kind of help they need in that area of ministry, but if our church is any indication, I bet whoever is leading the ministry has a long list of "someday" projects that they never really find the time to do. So one more person working in that area can only strengthen it, right?

It's so hard to wait. I know that this process is long and the earliest we would really be able to get there would probably be 2 years or more. I hate hearing about the things happening there now, knowing that by the time we get there, the needs might be totally different. Why can't we just pick up and move there this summer after Luke is done with school? I know there are good reasons for all of the application process and support raising and everything else, it just seems so long!!!!!

But despite the ridiculous amount of time it takes to get there and my complete inability to be patient, I am excited. Super duper excited.