My Compliant Toddler

Ayden decided to have a few minutes of exceptional behavior this afternoon while we were out walking. This is in no way a normal occurrence, but it was filled with too many adorable moments for me to pass up an opportunity to record it. 

As we approached an intersection, before I got a chance to tell Ayden to wait for me, he stopped and said, "dere's a street, Mama. Ayden hold da stroller now." We've been working on this lesson for so long, and this is the first time that he did it on his own!

I immediately began praising him for obeying me and said, "what does God say about obeying Mama and Daddy?" I didn't expect him to have the answer because I only started teaching this a few days ago. But without hesitation he replied, "Obey your parents in da yord." 

As we arrived home, I was absolutely beaming with pride for the little guy. As I was getting Judah out of the stroller, Ayden runs up with one of the "flowers" (weeds?) from our yard and proclaims, "MAMA! I got a flower for you!"

Random Things About the Kids

One of the bloggers that I follow occasionally does "baby book" entries with recent info about the kids, since she never got around to doing their real baby books. I may not ever do it again, or I might get hooked on doing it regularly. But here it is for today...

• In the past week or so, Judah has started taking little steps when he is standing. Today he "walked" about 5-10 feet like that. I expect that he will be independently running by this time next week. 
• I just sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness" to Ayden before bed and he sang along to the entire first verse and chorus. 
• Judah's first word was "Mama," followed closely by "Dah-dee." I thought I caught an "Ay-duh" out of him a few days ago, but wasn't sure. However, today he was clearly saying both "Ay-duh" and "buh-duh" (brother) as he was looking for Ayden. He has also reputedly said some version of "Grampa," although he has been quite uncooperative with Grammie Joy about doing it for his Mama to hear. 
• Both boys are wearing size 4 diapers, and can easily share shorts and some t-shirts. Judah is 20 lbs of pure muscle, while Ayden is 30 lbs of skin and bones. 
• Despite numerous attempts, we have still not succeeded in getting Ayden to stay in his toddler bed, especially when Judah is around. Right now Ayden takes naps in the PNP in our bedroom, and starts the night there. Then we move him to his own bed before we go to bed (to any mom's reading this---I would love any tips you have!!). This is an improvement over a month or so ago. At that time, Ayden was sleeping in a PNP in their bedroom and Judah was sleeping in a PNP in the living room. We lived with that arrangement for many months. 
• We usually put Ayden to bed at about 8 or 9 but he usually stays up until nearly 10 playing. Meanwhile, Judah wakes up between 5-6 every morning. Neither of them seem willing to shift their sleeping times. This does bad things for their parents (especially daddy, since he is usually the one to get up with Judah). Again, I will take any and all advice offered on this issue. 
• The boys absolutely adore each other (they always have, but it is becoming even stronger as time goes by). If Judah is not nearby, Ayden immediately asks where he is. Judah is whiny all morning until Ayden gets up (a few hours after him). A few days ago, Judah was playing in the living room when Ayden woke up from his nap. He heard Ayden talking to himself in our bedroom and immediately crawled to our bedroom door, then turned and looked at me expectantly. When I let him in, both kids squealed with delight. 
• Judah loves to give kisses (especially to his Mama). Unfortunately, his kisses involve grabbing chunks of my skin and pulling my face to his, where he then opens his mouth wide and then starts sucking. His kisses also usually come in multiples (at least 2-3 at a time). Somehow I still love them. 

A Nutshell

SO MUCH has happened in the past few weeks. Some of it I need to process (and writing is a great way for me to do that) and some of it I just need to tell people about. So here I am. Oh, and this has been written gradually over the past week, so some of the references are a little off as far as when things have happened.

LUKE GRADUATED! 

It seems like an eternity ago, but I'm pretty sure it was just last week. After 2 years of studying and studying at Wheaton, he is finally DONE. Oh, I mean, well, he has one little paper left. And by "little" I mean, only 30-40 pages (that's writing, I don't even want to think about how much reading that involves!).

So we went through the ceremony, which was pretty exciting, but he still has a little more work to do. We're hoping that he'll be able to finish by the end of June, but who really knows? It's for an independent study, so there isn't a real deadline. And it is for credits that he doesn't need, so he'll graduate even if he fails, it'll just screw up his GPA (not that I expect him to fail, that is all just to say that there's really not a lot of pressure on this paper). But even with all of that, the end is near.

THE BOYS ARE GROWING UP. 

Judah is crawling, Ayden is tantruming, and they are finally playing together. Judah can finally shove some food into his own mouth (not much, but some anyway), which means that there is hope that he will someday be an independent child instead of a needy infant. Ayden has finally learned the concept of whispering, which has led to some success in having them share a bedroom again (Judah has been camped in the living room for months now). They chase each other and wrestle with each other and yell at each other and share food with each other and all kinds of brotherly interactions. 

MY SANITY IS RETURNING. 

I mean that quite literally. I was really losing it for awhile. The first 2 areas listed here are major contributors to this third one. There is routine and balance in my life, and for the first time in 3 years I find myself NOT pregnant, breastfeeding, postpartum, or some combination of those things. Yes, it was this time 3 years ago that we got pregnant with Ayden and my body has been some alien object ever since. I find myself asking Luke to do something around the house, then realizing "oh, I can actually do that myself for once." That is a great feeling. We can also credit an awesome counselor and the arrival of summer as major contributors to my mental health status. I simply love sunshine.

RWANDA PLANS ARE MUDDLED. 

This deserves an entire post of its own, but a blurb will have to do for the moment. We have been asked by the mission board that we are applying with to slow down the application process. Because we have been in SUCH a crazy period of life, they think it would be best for us to wait to go to Denver to complete the application process (probably until the fall, but the specifics haven't been decided yet). For one, they think it would be good for us to have a period of calm in our lives before we jump into fundraising and preparing to move. In addition, there were some things that they wanted to evaluate more carefully (like my mental health) that they didn't have adequate time to explore with the deadlines that we were initially aiming for. 

Despite my impatience, we feel really good about this. Their decision was obviously made with our best interests in mind, and that is very reassuring to see in the mission board that you are hoping to join! In addition, they handled it all very appropriately; they flew us to Denver for one day so we could talk about everything face-to-face.

There was a second reason that they wanted to fly us to Denver and talk. We're a little less certain about what to make of it. They are very excited to have us join their organization, but they want us to reconsider Rwanda. Yep, you read that right, and yep, we were pretty surprised about it, too. To clarify, they didn't say we couldn't go to Rwanda, just that they weren't certain if that was the best field for us to join and they want us to think and pray about that decision some more. 

Their reasons are based purely in concern for us and our ability to fit in well there and thrive. I'm not going to get into all of it here, but again, we found that their motives are genuine concern and care for us. Although I can see how they came to have these concerns, I'm not sure if the reasons are completely valid. So, right now we are opening up to the possibility that God may be calling us somewhere else, while hoping that He is still calling us to Rwanda. If Rwanda isn't where He wants us, then He has something else that is even better than Rwanda. 

VACATION!! 

Luke's parent's have offered to take the boys for a week so we can have a little bit of a break, so I am taking them down there today! Meanwhile, we will spend the first part of the week ignoring all demands from work, church, school, or anything else. Then the later part of the week, we will take advantage of some time to get things done without constant interruption. THEN, as if that isn't great enough, we are going down to join the boys and their grandparents for a few days over the weekend. So the next few weeks look to be a nice break from the normal routine. I am REALLY looking forward to it!!

I think that will have to do for now. God is good. God is leading. We feel really good about life right now, despite the recent uncertainty about our longer-term future. 

More Aydenisms

Time for more recent quotes from Ayden.....

As Luke got out the Bible after dinner:
"Mama, shhh, readin' Bible Jesus"

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Me: "Ayden, I can't pull you fast in the wagon because I have an owie on my foot."
Ayden: "I go inside get medicine (for) mama."
(Upon returning from his bedroom with his hands full of something invisible)
Luke: "Ayden, what is that?"
Ayden" "Chocolate!!!"

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Ayden: "Mama, what's that?"
Me: "That's Mama's ice cream."
Ayden: "Oh! No touching Mama's ice cream."

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Ayden's great-grandparents were arriving and I told him to go to the front porch to see them. Soon I hear:
"I help you, Granny"
Reputedly, he then reached out his hand to take hers while she went up the last few steps.

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Overheard while I was in the bathroom and Judah was crying:
"It's ok, Judah. Mama goin' potty. She be RIGHT BACK."
Judah stopped crying.

"Um, sure"

This is another post with snippets of things that Ayden is saying and doing today.

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My phone just chimed to indicate that there was a new text message. It was sitting on the coffee table next to Ayden, just out of my reach. So I asked Ayden, "can you hand me my phone?" His response, "um sure."

"Um" entered his vocabulary earlier this week. "Sure" entered it today. Both sound way too grown-up for him to be saying, especially with proper use!

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He just (incorrectly) sang the entire ABC's. When he was done I asked if he wanted to sing it again with me singing along. He got excited at that suggestion and said yes. So I started singing. He started singing along. But by the time I got to about "D," he looked at me like I had just offended him and collapsed into a fit of tears. I have no idea what I did wrong.

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As I type this, Ayden is stacking all of his cars and trucks onto Judah. Judah is loving the attention. Stacking piles of things onto Judah is one of Ayden's favorite pastimes. Having piles of things stacked onto him by Ayden is one of Judah's favorite pastimes. At least they are in agreement about it!

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Ayden just walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, opened the drawer, pulled out an apple, and took a big bite out of it. I love self-sufficiency!

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SPRING!

The weather finally warmed up a bit, the sun was out, and we decided to go for a walk! Although you can't tell from this picture, Ayden is actually standing on a platform behind Judah's seat. He rides in the stroller standing on that platform, or he can sit in a seat with his back to Judah (if you can't picture what I am talking about, click here). This is our first time using the stroller without the infant car seat for Judah. He did great and LOVED being able to sit up and see the world! In fact, when I tried to recline the seat for him, he strained to sit up anyway. I hear that by this time next week, we might be in the 60's. In my opinion, life doesn't get much better than walking with my boys in the sunshine and warmth!

Bravery

This morning I took Ayden to McDonald's to play in the play area. He was by far the youngest child there, but the big kids were all being kind and respectful towards him (not always the case!!). At one point, he was sitting on my lap when a shriek of joy emerged from the tunnels and slides. Ayden's eyes widened and he said, "Tiger!" I had to hold back laughter as I corrected him, "No, it's not a tiger; the kids are just having fun."

Not long after that, I heard a similar joyful scream, immediately followed by Ayden's fearful cry. This time, he wasn't sitting safely on Mama's lap, but instead was encased in the echo-filled tubes where the screams originated. I climbed in and brought him safely out--my knees are thankful he was only just inside the entrance! I explained again that the kids were just having fun; he explained again that there was a tiger in there.

Soon the draw of the slide was too much for him and he wanted to go play again. I told him that if he got scared again, he could come down the slide and Mama would hug him. I fully expected to climb up there again, and just hoped that he wasn't too far in. He eventually emerged, and immediately ran to me, "Ayden scared!" But he didn't cry, he bravely came down on his own. After a reassuring hug, he was off again to face the scary scream-filled slide.

That is bravery at it's best. Despite his fear, he was brave enough to go in there alone.

The rest of the morning continued in a similar way. He rarely emerged without needing a reassuring hug, but always returned to face the tiger-like screams. My little Ayden, your Mama is quite proud of you right now!

And then Ayden said.....

Me: Ayden, you're cute!
Ayden: No, not Ayden cute, Mama cute!
Me: Ayden! You're so sweet!
Ayden: No, not Ayden sweet, Mama sweet!
Please note that he has no idea what "cute" or "sweet" really means.

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While throwing the football to each other: "Good job, Mama! Yaaaaayyy!!!"

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Judah is playing on the floor and starts getting a little fussy. Ayden runs over to him and while giving Judah a kiss ("MWAH!") and a hug, he says, "It's ok Judah."

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Scene: Ayden is on my lap, constantly changing positions so the end result is that he is just turning in circles over and over.
Me, exasperated: Ayden, do you ever sit still?!?!
Ayden, with a huge grin: No!!!

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Anytime he looses track of where I am: "Mama, waaar (where are) you?"
If he is hiding and wants me to find him and tickle him: "Waaar Ayden go? Waaar Ayden go? Waaar Ayden go?"

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Is it me, or is this kid sort-of adorable?

And suddenly, he grew up

I'm not sure what happened to Ayden overnight, but he is a different boy today. Maybe it was sleeping in his own urine all night (we didn't realize until this morning that he took off his diaper before falling asleep--yuck!). Maybe it was hanging out with a cool babysitter last night. Maybe he just grew up.

Now I know that he still has a lot of growing up to do, I'm not saying he has grown up in the "completed" sense. But he is older today than he was yesterday.

This morning, he was sitting on Luke's lap and his feet were freezing (he had just gotten out of his unexpected bath from the lack of a diaper). He was telling Luke, "Feet owie" over and over again. Before Luke could respond, he nestled his feet under Luke's legs and said, "that's better." What? Since when has my kid EVER said that?

Later, he came to sit next to me on the couch while I fed Judah. Instead of climbing up clumsily like he usually does, he made a tarzan-like cry and leapt up onto it. Very little-boyish. Not very still-learning-to-get-around-ish. He's climbed up on the couch hundreds of times and I have never seen him playfully jump up like that. It's always been a very practical endeavor.

Not long after that, he found one of my slippers and said, "Ayden slipper!!" as he put it on his foot and started walking around. Now this is not too unusual for him--he loves to say things that are incorrect and wait for my reaction. It's a little game that we've developed. But this time he took it a bit further. After I exclaimed, "no, that's Mama's slipper!" he started laughing and informed me, "Ayden funny." This conversation repeated itself over and over for about 10 minutes with him letting me know that he was "silly" or "funny" every time.

Then, as we were arriving home from the morning out with his aunt and cousins, he had another suprising statement to make. I had the radio playing while I was driving. When I turned the car (and therefore the radio) off, he commented, "good song, radio." Huh? He always says "radio" whenever he means "music" or "song" or whatever, so I was surprised to hear him refer to it as a song. In addition, since when does he know how to judge if he likes something or not by saying it is "good?" Then to use it in the correct formation like that?!?!

Seriously, aren't these things supposed to happen more gradually?!?

diapers, toys and winter hats

It's been exactly one hour since I awoke to Luke frantically coming into our bedroom asking, "Judah is crying, what do I do with him?!?"

Good morning, world.

Luke and I decided last night that he would get up with Judah for his early morning feeding, give him a bottle, put him back to bed, then go to work super-early. All went according to plan until Judah woke up again soon after Luke put him back to bed. We decided to leave him, in the hopes that he would go back to sleep.

It wasn't long before I heard Ayden. Great. Now I have 2 screaming children and I still can't quite get both eyes to open at the same time. Maybe they'll go back to sleep?

Eventually I went in to get them (still not quite awake). Both kids quieted from their "I'm so distressed that I might die!" crying almost immediately upon seeing me. Remind me to tell them the story about that boy crying "wolf" all the time. They could learn a few lessons from it.

So I get Ayden out of his bed and straight to the changing table. Change his diaper and set him free. Get Judah out of bed and start changing his diaper. Oh, awesome, your diaper didn't hold it all in. As I'm giving Judah a baby-wipes bath and changing his clothes, Ayden starts discussing who gets diaper changes:
"Judah diaper change."
"Yep, I'm changing Judah's diaper."
"Ayden diaper change." 
"Yep, I just changed your diaper."
"Mama diaper change."
"No, Mama goes in the potty, she doesn't have a diaper to change."
"Ayden potty now."
"Ayden, you can't go potty now because I am changing Judah's diaper. And, I just changed your diaper, silly!"

He runs back to play, and soon I hear him whining, "Ayden diaper change!!" In other words, "Mama, stop paying so much attention to Judah. If you want to change a diaper, change mine instead so you can give ME attention!!" Nevermind that he hates having his diaper changed. Usually I reply to this by telling him, "Of course I'll change your diaper! Just as soon as I finish with Judah." Then I change his barely-wet diaper. We wouldn't want him to think that his Mama is neglecting him by refusing to change his diaper. But this time, since I literally JUST finished changing his diaper, I told him no. Cue tantrum.

I finish getting Judah all cleaned up and dressed. And as I walk past Ayden (now playing; the tantrum was short-lived), I smell something. You've got to be kidding me. I turn around and put Judah back in his crib to play while I change Ayden again. If you're counting, this is three diapers in a row. If you recall, I only have two children. And yes, he asked to go potty first. And then he asked for me to change his diaper and I told him no. Mama-fail.

For all of you NON-mothers-of-preschoolers: this is why moms of little kids don't shower. Or return phone calls. Or any other number of socially acceptable things. I'd like to say that this was a crazy, unusual morning, but it was actually quite manageable compared to most. After all, I did find the time to blog. Granted, some of that writing was done s -l-o-w-l-y one-handed while nursing Judah, and it's taken me two hours to write this so far.  Ayden is a constant demand-producing machine. He needs a toy turned on. He got stuck trying to take his PJ's off. He disobeys and needs a time-out. He wants more crackers or juice or cars or anything. And of course we have to play and color and do puzzles.

But how cute is it to watch a toddler attempt to put pants on by himself for the first time (continuously commenting, "pants broken now" or "too small, Judah's"). Or seeing him try and try again every time you show confidence in him. Or to watch Ayden give Judah kisses and hugs repeatedly, while Judah smiles and giggles at all of the attention. Or when Judah can't take his eyes off of the imaginative play that his brother is continuously engaged in. And I can't even tell you how hilarious it is to watch Ayden run around the house wearing just a white onsie and his winter hat.

I suppose these kids are kinda cute......Good morning!

Our Morning with Ayden



Our almost-two-year-old is pretty adorable, even if he is a bit unpredictable.

 Luke put Ayden in a super-cute outfit with a red button-up shirt. When he walked out of his bedroom, I exclaimed, "Ayden, you're cute!" Ayden's reply: "nooooooo" - in the loudest, whiniest voice he could muster. Me: "But Ayden, red is my favorite color. Can you come here so I can see your shirt?" And then he cried. Hard. Like I had just taken away his favorite toy or something.

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Luke: Ayden, do you want a banana?
Ayden: Yes
Luke: Ok, daddy will get it for you.
Ayden: nooooooooo (again, in the loudest, whiniest voice you can imagine)
Luke: You don't want the banana?
Ayden: NO!
Luke: Ok, daddy will have one then
Ayden: (desperate) no, no no, no, no
Luke: Oh, you want the banana?
Ayden: Banana!!
He never did eat the banana.

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Life is Changing

About a year ago, I started this blog with the following description:

"We're thinking that God might want us to go to another country to teach others about the Bible. What does that mean? Is that really what He wants for us? If not that, what? What does that process look like? I suppose we will find out soon enough....."

That's not entirely relevant anymore, since we are now much further in the process than we were then. At this point, it looks fairly certain that God is calling us to go to Rwanda to teach in a pastoral training program. We still have a million questions and uncertainties about it, but we both feel an inexplicable peace about going.

Meanwhile.......Although I'd love to spend day after day thinking and daydreaming and preparing for our future in Rwanda, LIFE (or, more acurately, children ) has me planted firmly in the present. There are diapers to change, sleep schedules to figure out and toys to be fixed. And somewhere in there I'm supposed to feed these guys, too!

So I've recently changed the description to a simple,

"Following Jesus one step at a time."

In parenting, marriage, ministry--everything--we are called to simply follow Jesus. Step by step and day by day. We fail at that (frequently!), but God's grace is good and He continues to guide us and strengthen us and teach us. Life is just as crazy today as it was last week, but there is one major difference: I know God has us right here for a purpose. And I know that He will give us what we need to do the things that He has given us to do for today. Even if the day starts at 4am (as it did yesterday) or doesn't end until after midnight.

As our life changes over and over again in the coming months and years, we hope to simply continue following Jesus every step of the way.

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In other news, we expect to receive the application for our mission board soon. Although I'm not sure where we are going to find the time to complete it all, we are excited that this next step is approaching! If you're the praying type, we'd love for you to pray with us that this next step would be smooth and that we would have the time and focus to work through all of the steps of the application process. Thanks!!

Recipe for a Mama-Meltdown

Ingredients:
1 exhausting pregnancy
1 active toddler
1 very busy husband
1 mama who is still trying to have a life outside of raising children
1 emotional infant
Temper Tantrums (as many as you can find)

Mix the pregnancy, husband, toddler and mama for 9 months and let it simmer on medium heat. Once sufficiently stressed, remove the pregnancy and add the infant and temper tantrums. Turn up the heat to high. Meltdown should be ready in about 3 months.

Needless to say, it's been a challenge adjusting to two kids. Judah is not nearly as laid back as Ayden, which means he doesn't "tag along" to meetings or errands very well. Meanwhile, my easy-going toddler is about to turn two. Yep, those terrible two's are raging in his sweet little life. We're talking epic meltdowns because I offer him milk instead of juice with his snack. Or begging to have his diaper changed (which he usually hates) just because his brother is getting a diaper change and we're using HIS changing table.

I've felt like I was at the end of my rope for quite some time now, but foolishly kept saying, "It will all be better when ______." Then I finished that sentence with things like, "Luke finishes this semester," or "Judah is napping on a schedule." At some point in the past few weeks I stopped believing myself. The end of the semester came and went and we were still stressed. The kids have been sick. No one in our family has been sleeping enough.

So I reached the end of the rope and was surprised to find how frayed it was. No one ever tells you that the end of the rope is so frayed, although I guess it makes sense. Bills haven't been paid, commitments at church have been neglected, family and friends have been ignored, our home hasn't been cleaned. We eat out more than we should, and too many of those times are at McDonald's. Luke and I don't talk enough and therefore argue about everything. I keep forgetting to give the boys baths or brush Ayden's teeth. My nightstand is so dusty that every time I climb into bed, I start the night with a coughing and/or sneezing fit. Ayden watches more TV than I can keep track of. EVERYTHING is spiralling out of control.

So I gave up a few days ago. I just stopped trying. I curled up on the couch and aimlessly surfed the internet while Luke was left to get the boys their dinner and put them to bed. The alternative was so much stress that I could barely speak. Maybe that's what a panic attack is--I don't know, but it was something bad and completely out of my control. We suffered through a day or two of that. At times I would help for awhile, but if there was too much immediate stress, I would just crumble again. How do you keep going when you don't have some glimmer of hope that things will be different soon?

But there IS hope. For one, the immediate circumstances WILL improve, even if it is not on the timeline that I first imagined. Judah will eventually sleep and Ayden will emerge from the terrible two's as the sweet little boy that is buried under all of this angst. Luke will be done with school. The weather will warm up and I'll be able to go for walks, or maybe even the occasional run.

But that's not what is really giving me hope. We were talking in our Bible Study last night about Hebrews 12. It talks about running the race with endurance and God disciplining us as children. From the discussion of this text, I was reminded that God's "discipline" is Him teaching us things that we will need later. Maybe God is letting everything pile up at once so we can learn to trust him. Maybe God has something amazing planned for our future that is going to be so much harder than this and we NEED this time to learn how to handle it. I don't know the future, and I certainly couldn't guess correctly at how this time in our life fits into God's overall plan. But the reality is that God does have a plan for our lives, and for some reason it includes this crazy period. Meanwhile, I'm spending too much time looking at the million responsibilities swirling around me and not enough time looking at Jesus.

So maybe I should spend more time paying attention to the songs that I sing to Ayden before bed:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His Glory and Grace