In fact, nothing that I am doing these days would really qualify as the best I've done. Emails aren't being returned in a timely manner, despite the fact that I actually have had time to do it. My prep time for our Bible study has been lacking. My patience with the boys is virtually non-existent. Even in regular conversation with people, I feel like I am perpetually missing normal conversational cues, and saying things that aren't always appropriate. I've found ways to carve out time to sit and work on the bajillion things that I am responsible for, yet I'm still behind.
Quite simply, my brain is fuzzy. I can't seem to concentrate properly on anything. I'll try to read something that I need to respond to and I find myself re-reading it over and over and over and over again. I attempt to play with Ayden, and I soon realize that I am zoning out and not engaging.
Have you ever walked through mud? Like knee-deep stuff, not just around your ankles? I loved doing that as a kid. It was pretty much the. coolest. thing. ever. But it was hard work. Your entire body must strain and pull and it's not uncommon to lose a shoe or two in the process. Moving even a foot or two forward is tedious and time-consuming, and you are often off-balance and never end up quite where you intended.
That's my brain. My brain on mud.
I'm straining and struggling to complete even the simplest of tasks and even then I don't quite do what I wanted to do.
Why is my brain so muddy right now? No, I am not pregnant again (although pregnancy does have a similar effect on my brain). I think the problem is that I am thinking too much. And none of the thinking is coming to any resolution, so my brain just keeps turning it around and around and evaluating things from every possible angle, hoping that maybe this time everything will suddenly make sense.
In addition to the sudden uncertainty about our future plans, we are now suddenly asking a triquillion (yes, I just made up that number) questions about the present. Luke's job was the perfect position for flexibility (which we would need as we prepared for Rwanda), but not a great position for settling in for a few years. Our apartment is small and crowded and was acceptable as a cheap way to live until we moved to Africa, but it's an entirely different prospect when we are looking at 2 or more years. Which, of course, demands that we think about schooling. I expected Ayden to start preschool and kindergarten in Rwanda, not here. Everyone knows that around here, you gotta plan WAY ahead to get your kid into a good school. Are we too late to start planning?
Everything that I thought I had planned out (or at least good expectations) for the next few years of our life has been turned upside down. Like a snow-globe whose pieces didn't get glued down properly. All the little buildings and trees are just bumbling around, knocking into each other, and never settling anywhere. And if I manage to get one house upright, another one falls sideways.
My poor little brain is desperately trying to make sense of it all and plan for everything, and figure out where to live, and work, and go to school, and a million other little things. And all of that extra running-in-circles thinking is rendering my brain useless to everyday things like, say, playing with my 2-yr old.
And I know the Truth. I know God's got it all under control. How appropriate is this little chunk of teaching from Jesus:
“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
Seriously, did you read that? That's like He was just thinking of me sitting here, 2,000 years later. He knows where we should live and how to educate Ayden and even how He's going to bring us through some future bump in the road that I don't even know exists yet.“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."
Jesus to Jaymi: It's cool, girl. I got it all worked out. Chill a little. It's not your job to worry about all of this, it's mine. Your job is to simply seek me and my kingdom. Period. I'll figure all this stuff out way better than you ever could. Now shoo! I've given you work to do and kids to raise and you're spending all your time trying to do My job and all you're doing is falling behind on the things you are supposed to do and not getting anywhere on the things you aren't supposed to do.*
Jaymi to Jesus: Ok, ok, I get it. You do Your thing, I'll do mine. But just make sure You don't forget that Luke doesn't li-
Jesus: STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT ALREADY! I've got it under control. Girl, you're going to stress Me out with all that worrying.**
And so my brain continues: round and round, and up-side-down, and listening-to-Jesus-but-not-really-listening, and sluggishly pushing through all the mud.
* Yes, I just imagined Jesus shooing me away. That's probably not really a correct picture. You know, the whole, "come to me all of you who are weary and burdened" thing? Yeah, that's probably more accurate.
**Again, I'm not claiming any accuracy in this depiction of Jesus