Philippians 4

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

I am thankful for:

• A healthly little family
• A great local church
• Good friends
• God's grace and redemption
• God's leading in our lives and work in our hearts
• Food, clothes, a home---everything we need
• My wonderful husband
• Did I mention God's grace? It is so good in so many ways.

God, life is overwelming and scary and uncertain right now. Lead us where you want us. Give us what we need to follow you, and grant us peace in this process.

God is good.

uhhhhh......

So I'm a bit overwhelmed right now. That's kinda an understatement. Ok, so was that. Yeah, I'm not too sure what to think of our life right now. I'm pretty sure we're teetering on the edge of complete insanity. At least, it certainly feels like a roller coaster right now. I feel certain that God is leading us, but wow. He's got some crazy ideas. Ok, so let me explain myself.


We've been thinking for awhile that we need to take a trip to Rwanda for a few weeks to see the ministry firsthand (learn about what they are doing, learn more about the culture and people and what life there is really like, get to know the other people working with that ministry, etc). At one point we were thinking that might happen this summer, but then we found out that I was pregnant and due in September and we figured international travel (to Africa!) at the end of a pregnancy is probably not possible or advisable. So we put the idea of a visit out of our minds---we'll plan it for sometime after the baby arrives.

Then we were advised last week not to give up on the idea of this summer so quickly. Huh? Isn't it too late to plan a trip to Africa this summer? Especially since my pregnancy will dictate that it will have to be early summer? We decided that we should consider it, but figured in the end we would see too many problems with it and not go until later. But every step of the way, it is looking more and more likely that we will be going soon. All of the people and logistics that we thought would point us away from going so soon did the opposite. The family working there right now aren't opposed to it. Our pastor and his wife aren't opposed to it. As we tentatively explore this, everything seems to be falling into place. In fact, the people we have talked to about it have all been excited and encouraged us to do it.

See why I feel like I'm on some insane roller coaster? We were supposed to be looking into this so that we could confirm that we shouldn't go so soon.

Not that I don't want to go. I want to go tomorrow, but I don't want it to be until next year so that I have enough time to plan for it. I would love it if we could be there right now--I'm so excited to see it all and learn about it all and everything else that goes with visiting a country and a ministry that you are hoping to someday be a part of. But at the same time I'm not sure how to make it happen. There's money to raise, schedules to figure out, health to consider, visas, plane tickets, ahhhhhhh!! I can't possibly do all of that in 2 months (or less!!).

And really, there's something else making me frazzled. It's one thing to talk to lots of people about someday picking up and moving to Rwanda. It's a completely different thing to plan a trip there and visit there. It's real. We're really thinking about doing this. This is a big step that isn't just a fun thing to talk about. Is this really what we want to do?!? Actually, is this really what God wants us to do? I keep moving forward, waiting for Him to shut the door and make it clear we should go in another direction. Instead, things just seem to be falling into place. So we just keep following, right? But now following is leading to a pretty big step. Do I have the faith to follow?

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At this point in writing, I got interrupted by Luke messaging me (he's at school right now). He's feeling overwhelmed by all of this too, for many of the same reasons. We talked for about an hour about the need to trust God in this. He seems to be leading us, and as long as we are willing to follow, He won't lead us astray. We both felt a little better, and Luke went for a walk to clear his mind. He came back a little later and had ran into a prof and while talking to her, it became clear that he could do a thesis instead of an exam, which he would much prefer, but we didn't think was even an option. So now we have one more thing to think through for the future. Then as we finished that conversation, I got a call about a part-time job for the summer (that I would LOVE). Great, but there's another thing to think about. This morning we also discovered that it might be a possibility to finish our missions app this Nov, instead of having to wait until June 2011, which is a huge, but again--another thing to figure out.

Those are all really good things, but seriously.......I'm not sure how much more thinking about life I can handle right now. I'm going to go play with Ayden for awhile. I'm pretty sure he's too young to throw anything deep or overwhelming at me. More later.....

Our "theme verse" (nothing official, just one we keep coming back to) this past year from Matthew 6 seems once again appropriate:

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Amen. Lord, lead us.

Excited

I just got an e-mail from one of the current missionaries in Rwanda. He was answering some of our questions about life and ministry in Rwanda. I'm excited. Really excited. I think I had an exclamation point at the end of every sentence in my reply to him.
So much of what they are doing is such a good fit for Luke and I. They have a training school for pastors. The pastors come to them for 3 weeks at a time, 4 times a year. They have 3 groups going at a time, so 36 weeks of the year has pastors there learning things like the basics of salvation, Bible study methods, etc. That is exactly the kind of setting that Luke would thrive in. He loves to teach, especially such worthwhile topics to such a worthwhile class.

But that's not what really excited me. One of the things they are doing is a children's ministry. That could mean any number of things, and I wasn't really sure what exactly they were doing with children. Here is the description I got, "Our children’s ministry is a ministry to the teachers of children. It is intended to help strengthen and train the teachers of children within churches. It primarily focuses on helping churches develop solid ministries to disciple kids." I have always said that although I love children, I much prefer working with people who are working with children. And that's exactly what they are doing!!!!!!!! AND, as if that's not exciting enough, that's what I've been doing for the past 2 1/2 years at our church. So I'm already getting great training and preparation for it! I don't yet know anything about what kind of help they need in that area of ministry, but if our church is any indication, I bet whoever is leading the ministry has a long list of "someday" projects that they never really find the time to do. So one more person working in that area can only strengthen it, right?

It's so hard to wait. I know that this process is long and the earliest we would really be able to get there would probably be 2 years or more. I hate hearing about the things happening there now, knowing that by the time we get there, the needs might be totally different. Why can't we just pick up and move there this summer after Luke is done with school? I know there are good reasons for all of the application process and support raising and everything else, it just seems so long!!!!!

But despite the ridiculous amount of time it takes to get there and my complete inability to be patient, I am excited. Super duper excited.

Rwanda?

I've wanted to "be a missionary" my entire life, well since about age 15 anyway. I lost sight of that desire not long before L and I were married, and it stayed dormant for a few years. When the desire did come back, I didn't think that L would ever be ok with it, so I started directing my desires elsewhere. Children's ministry and urban ministry both caught my heart and drew me in. Why go halfway around the world when there is so much need right here? So although international ministry is the type of ministry that God first drew me to, I must say that I'm pretty surprised to find myself here on the threshold of it. It's just not where I expected to be right now.

But none of you are paying any attention to that because I titled this post "Rwanda?" and you are more interested in knowing what exactly I mean by that. We aren't really thinking of going there, are we?? Well, yes. In fact, at this point that is the only place we are looking at. There are still a lot of opportunities for God to close this door, but until He does so (or we arrive there!!) that's the direction we're pursuing. Yes, the first words that come to my mind when I think of Rwanda are "genocide, war, violence." Yes, I have a husband who melts and withers in the slightest heat wave and Rwanda is right in the middle of Africa (ok, a little right of the middle, but who's looking at a map right now anyway?). No, I don't want my children to be raised in a war zone. No, I don't think it's good to be married to a withered, grumpy, hot (not in the "attractive" sense) man. So what on earth are we thinking!?!?! (all of A's aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc were wondering that anyway when we proposed moving "somewhere, probably Africa," but now I'm sure they all really think we've lost it!!)

I would like to start with telling you all the reasons why we feel like God is leading us there, but I don't think anyone will really read it until I dispel a few concerns. First, the genocide. It happened mid-nineties. Every teen and adult that we meet there will have been alive during that time, and I would imagine is deeply effected by it. Does everyone in Rwanda have PTSD? I don't know--I have no idea how widespread the violence was. Is it PTSD if the whole country has it? Maybe it has just changed the culture in general. We have some serious learning to do before arriving. But I do know this: about ten years ago, stability returned and it has been stable since. Does that mean there is no more violence or unrest at all? Again, I don't know, but it can't be as severe as it had been in then nineties or the US Embassy wouldn't be allowing people there; missions organizations wouldn't sending people there. Maybe relief organizations would be there, but not Bible teachers. We've lived in Chicago long enough to know that there can be a lot of violence around you that still never directly effects you. And maybe Rwanda isn't violent at all anymore--I simply don't know. But I can't imagine that it could be too much worse than some of the Chicago neighborhoods. But maybe I'm ignorant about it---again, we have a lot of learning to do. I will say this, though. I have a lot of faith in the US government when it comes to protecting their people on foreign soil. If the Rwandan government still had as much unrest as everyone assumes that there is, there wouldn't be Americans there living normal lives.

Have I appeased your worries enough for you to hear the good stuff? Oh, I forgot about the heat. Rwanda is typically 70's and 80's year round because it is a mountainous country. Have I mentioned that I LOVE LOVE LOVE mountains?!?!

So why do we want to go? The easiest way to describe our excitement for the work being done in Rwanda right now is to share with you the most recent update from one of the missionaries currently working in Rwanda:

Today was an awesome climax to two exhausting weeks of teaching almost sixty first-year pastors. Last Monday (January 18), we welcomed fifty-nine new pastors into our Pastoral Training School. All of these men are in ministry – some oversee multiple churches. They come from fourteen different denominations, including one in Burundi. For the last two weeks, we have been teaching two classes – “The True Gospel” and “The Christian Life.” Over and over again, these men have commented on how new these teachings have been and how they have been teaching wrong doctrine in their churches for such a long time. One man openly confessed last week, “We have been building our churches on the wrong foundation!"

This afternoon during a prayer gathering, assuming that there were probably some in the group who have never understood what it means to be a Christian, we offered the pastors a chance to respond to the call of the Gospel. Twenty four pastors quickly stood to their feet to declare in front of everyone that they were trusting in Jesus and what Jesus has done for them for the first time in their lives. Praise the Lord! These men are on fire! Next week we will finish their studies, at which time they will return to their homes and churches. Please pray that the truth of what they’ve experienced and embraced would radically change their lives, homes and churches.

I feel like just ending this post with that. Need I say any more? Is there a more worthwhile work that we could do? Pastors, the men ordained to lead the Church and guide God's people to Truth, who don't even understand the foundations of God's Truth themselves!!! Think about how many lives will be changed by these influential men spreading the Truth even further.

Since I've been so concerned about defending our sanity in this, I haven't really let on to the million questions and fears I have. I mean really, Rwanda? What are we thinking? We've got a one year old child, and we ultimately want more children. Are we really considering moving to the middle of Africa with a young family, probably dealing with pregnancy and birth there?!?!? They've got a good thing going without us, do they really need us to go there? Did we rush into this decision? Do we have a stable enough marriage and family to go halfway around the world and live in less-than-ideal conditions? Are we really sure that that's what God wants with us? Maybe we're just getting caught up in the excitement of it and not thinking about it realistically.

But we've prayed about it. A lot. When we started this process, it was a cautious "God, what do you have in store for us after L is done with school?" The response? Every person that we sat down with to ask if they could see a place for us to use our gifts and passions to serve God overseas said yes. So we started to officially pursue "missions," still waiting for God to close the door. We were directed to a number of different locations that could potentially be a good fit for us. But the moment Rwanda was even mentioned, we both felt drawn to it. Neither of us admitted that until later, of course, because really, Rwanda? The process of corresponding with missionaries and talking with our church and talking with others who know us well and praying together and talking together and researching together continued. The entire time, L and I both felt drawn to Rwanda, and the work that the team is doing there right now. It is a pull that I can't describe. But despite how crazy I (sometimes) think we are, neither of us can shake it. It just seems right. How's that for a vague, wishy-washy answer? But I don't think it is wishy-washy. I think God sometimes chooses to direct us by giving us an uncanny peace about what He wants. And as far as the other concerns like, "are we cut out for this?" That's why we have both a church and mission board evaluating us. Maybe we aren't. Maybe God just wants us to go through this process so we can be drawn closer to Him, and in the end we won't end up overseas at all. I don't like that possibility, but God is God and I am not--He can do with us what He wants.

So now we have a lot of work to do. We both feel like we just want to study every aspect of Rwanda's culture and history and people. We have an application to fill out with our church so they can approve for us to apply with the mission board. Then we have that application. It's like a full life study of both of us---every aspect of our life and history and marriage and theology and who knows what else?!?! Somewhere in there we want to (and have been strongly advised to) take a 2 week trip to Rwanda. When do we do that? Do we take A along? How do we pay for it? Do we raise support? I feel like we should do it sooner rather than later, since that seems like the most likely way for God to confirm that we should go there, or close that door for us. Then (or maybe before we visit Rwanda) we go to the mission's headquarters (in November, if our church approves) and go through their evaluation time. Then, if we're approved by them, we start raising support and prepping to go. THAT IS SUCH A LONG PROCESS!!!! And I am not a patient person.

Wow. I just re-read everything I wrote. Is anyone still reading this? That's lot of reading. I'll end now because I'm not sure what else to say and this is already gettting super-long. More later.

Meanwhile, the journey continues and God is good.